Marco's Journal

I haven't done a journal in a while. Not that anyone else has, but every once in a while I like to go back and reread these things. It's hard to reread when there's nothing written.

So, I'm still in a guest room in the Graves residence. I'm not entirely sure how this whole living situation is going anymore. I guess I try to stay in my room as much as possible now. Still, it's not anywhere near the worst living situation I've been in. Really, it's not too bad, just... I don't know, maybe strained is the right word?

Luckily, I found a new job a couple of months back. I now work for the mall near here, at the information station. My job is basically giving people directions, but I also help people who are interested in opening a kiosk or franchise in the mall, or people who want to schedule events in the mall, or currency exchange, or helping security find lost children. It's a weird job, but it's so much easier doing this than dealing with stocking or food. It pays better, too.

My birthday is the twenty third of October. Again, I will not be having a party, which is fine. I'll probably celebrate it the same way I usually do, by making myself chicken and rice for dinner, maybe a fruit tart for dessert, and then watching A Day At The Races.

...Dr. Graves would probably say that maybe I should switch up my routine... I don't actually know what she would say, come to think of it.

As for my mental health... Well, I have a place to sleep, and I have a job, and I'm still alive. We can just leave it at that.

If you don't remember, I've been working at a nearby supermarket for six months now. I stay up at the registers, ringing up and bagging people's groceries. Well, this morning I went in, and it was... It was just one of my off days, or my regular days, or whatever you want to call it. They had me bagging and ringing up people, but I was having trouble bagging things, because a lot of the bags were uneven. So, I'd either add items to bags, or take things out... and yes, I realize it was the wrong thing to do, and is pretty much stealing, and not actually keeping anything for myself, but still stealing...

Well, my boss agreed with that logic, and now I have no job. Because some plastic bags felt unbalanced. Yeah, that's a good reason to get fired.

You know, this is the seventh job I've been fired from since Cherry Hollow. Let's not talk about how many it's been total. And every time, it's been because of something stupid that I needed to do to keep from twitching.

On the way home I called my mother, and told her that maybe I should just move back home. She said if I did, she had no room for me, so I'd have to find a place of my own. I can't afford that. I just feel embarrassed living with a doctor and still being crazy.

I haven't told Dr. Graves or Colleen that I got fired yet. I guess I am now.

So I came home, took a long shower, cut my hair (Yes, I cut my own hair. It's close to my head now, and is a little too short so my head looks kind of like an egg, but you can't put hair back on so I'm back to wearing a hat for a week.) and then cleaned the bathroom... Then I decided it was easier to take a nap than it was to sulk. Now that I'm awake again, I'm sulking.

Is it possible for any one of us to survive in the real world? Or are we better off in cages?

Okay, so, here's my problem. I have this shirt. I just got it, I've worn it three times, I really like this shirt. It's red, and comfortable. But... the button just above my belly button somehow turned about 20 degrees (the buttons are square). I like the shirt, so I don't want to throw it out, but... the button. I can't wear a shirt with a crooked button. You know?

I'm worried about Colleen. Colleen, I'm worried about you. She just seems... I don't know. Off?

I had a nightmare the other night that I was old, and living alone, and that I kept washing my hands, but because I was senile I would forget that I just washed my hands and so I kept washing and washing and washing... and washing... And then I was too busy washing my hands to eat or sleep and so I just washed my hands for the rest of forever. I woke up wondering if it was a nightmare or a premonition.

And I'm sharing this because no one has really updated in a while. Well, I guess Christmas, but I haven't updated since before then, so here's that.

I'm still living in The Manor Graves. Colleen and Naomi are pretty great, and I still worry that I'm going to somehow mess everything up. I've done alright this far, though. I got them both scarves for Christmas, and scented hand sanitizer. And then I got Naomi that American Express gift card thing, and I got Colleen this photo editing software for her computer. They seemed to like it. I know I'm the one who got the gift card, but I don't think it makes much sense. It's pretty much the same thing as giving cash.

Right now I'm working at the supermarket down the street. It's an alright job. I've been there for a couple months already. They only have me on register and bagging, and won't let me do stocking, which is alright by me, I guess. It's just that the people I'm working with are people trying to work their way through high school, people trying to work their way through college, and old retirees. I guess I just thought that I'd be past a supermarket at this point, and if I wasn't, I wouldn't be the one bagging this week's sale item.

But hey, as long as I don't focus on the fact that I'm crazy and can't keep a job so I'll probably end up nowhere, I'll be fine. Right?

Really though, for now, I'm doing fine. I like where I'm at right now. I do.

And look, I made a picture of me into my icon. This is my dramatic face! See? I have computer skills.

From Colleen:

( Read more... )

( From Lynne: )





( From Charley: )

I guess if you want me to ask you questions, leave a comment here.

Two weeks ago, I moved into The House of Graves, as I've been calling it. I'd like to say it's been going smoothly, but this is me we're talking about, so it's been going as per usual, with my usual speed bumps. I hope they don't think they made the wrong choice letting me move in... I'm afraid to ask. I suppose this is me asking now, since I know Colleen will read this.

Their bathroom and kitchen are really clean now, though. I'd like to think that they appreciate that.

Actually, I think this has been one of the most comfortable moves I've done recently. I feel pretty good about my current living situation, except for the fact that I haven't found somewhere I'd like to apply to work yet, but I've still got the other direction to walk to find a job. Either way, I just feel so much less anxiety in this move, probably because I have a general idea what I'm getting into. With my studio apartment, and my scary roommates before that, and even (especially?) Cherry Hollow before that I had a much more difficult time settling in. I think I should get Colleen and Mrs. Graves something for being nice enough to let me move in, and not kick me out. I don't know what, though... Other than hand sanitizer.

I wonder if this has been such a good move because the tree outside my apartment had been toilet papered Halloween night? I really don't like Halloween.

Just a few more days in this apartment, and then my lease termination thing goes through, and I move in with Colleen and start trying to find a new job. I'm not sure why I'm nervous about that, but I am. I mean, I know that they know that I am how I am, but still, I don't want to drive them nuts... I don't know.

I think I may give away my leftovers to trick-or-treaters, though. I didn't buy candy, since Halloween is my last night in this place. Maybe I should, though, since it would be slightly devastating if someone egged my door.

My boss scheduled me off for the twenty-third, since he heard it was my birthday. I'm not sure I wanted the day off. I'll just be packing anyway. Besides, my last day of work is the twenty-sixth. I think it was probably just a way of having to pay less, with my not working that day and all.

I should go to sleep. I'm tired, and I'm worried that I'll look at this entry tomorrow and it won't make as much sense as it does now.

I sold my laptop for rent money earlier this month, and now if I want to check my e-mail, I have to use a public computer. So right now, I'm using a computer in the library. I'm trying incredibly hard not to think of what must be on these keys... I put a plastic bag over the keyboard. I didn't have one for the chair, and I don't like it.

Anyway.

I'm still working at Crate & Barrel, and I'm still not sure if they like me there or not... They don't let me go on registers. They have me on the floor, organizing. Cleaning glasses, fixing displays, same old same old. I'm starting to hate my existence again. At least I'm getting paid for being me, though. Not enough, but it's a paycheck. I don't think this is what anyone had in mind when they said I should find something to do with my life that would work with my quirks.

Has it ever bothered anyone else that the keys on a keyboard aren't in alphabetical order?

Sorry I fell off the face of the planet, guys. Good news is that I got that studio apartment I wanted. It's alright, considering I'm the one living in it. Bad news is that I don't have internet or cable or most of my furniture... Well, I have a bed and a bed stand, and a lamp. It came with a bathroom and kitchen wing, and when I say wing, I mean that it's four feet of bathroom and four foot of kitchen, each cut off by a curtain that I put up to work as a door. At least I have a fridge.

I hope everyone's fourth of July went safely. Everyone still has fingers after setting off fireworks, right? Really, you shouldn't set fireworks off on your own anyway, but it's too late for me to stop you now.

As for a job, I don't like where I'm working now, but it's something. I'm working at a Crate and Barrel. Yeah, so, just shoot me now.

Apparently when I have spare time, I have spare time. So here's this. It's kind of dumb... At least it's entertaining.

( There are more than 26 questions here, so be prepared. )

Now, back to job and apartment hunting.

This seems to be going around like the flu. Since we're all so curious just how crazy we all are... Here's me.


My Personality

Neuroticism	99
Extraversion	2
Openness to Experience	1
Agreeableness	1
Conscientiousness	56

You do not experience strong, irresistible cravings and consequently do not find yourself tempted to overindulge, however you experience panic, confusion, and helplessness when under pressure or stress. People generally perceive you as distant and reserved, and you do not usually reach out to others. You prefer facts over fantasy and are more interested in what is happening in the real word. You are willing to take credit for good things that you do but you don't often talk yourself up much, however you do not particularly like helping other people. Requests for help feel like an imposition on your time. You are well-organized and like to live according to routines and schedules. Often you will keep lists and make plans.

Take a Personality Test now or view the full Personality Report. myspace layouts

Oh god. That's so much fucking red. That's brutal... I can't get far enough to know if it's true, though, because these numbers don't add up to 100%. What the hell is up with that? How can there be more than 100% ?

I got that job at the book store. I worked for one day. Then, I quit that job at the book store. It probably wasn't the healthiest of job choices anyway.

I need to get out of New Jersey. You know how everyone says it smells like garbage, and Newark is the crappiest town in America, and all that? It's all true. Every word of it.

Readapting to the real world is fairly difficult, especially considering I wasn't better when they released me. I wonder if I could convince one of the doctors to continue to meet with me? I can't afford the sessions, so maybe I could work for them... But the only one who would do that is Dr. Davids, and I can't even begin to say how bad that would end up being.

So, now I need a new job. I don't even know where to begin. Anyone have any ideas that won't break my mind?

So I figured I should let everyone know where I've been since the closing of Cherry Hollow. Well, once we were forced out of there, I went back to that institution where they sent me when they were doing refurbishments. I wasn't there that long, though, before my mother's husband decided that I'd been in mental institutions long enough that I must be cured. This, of course, he can tell while he's in Florida, and I'm up here. When he stopped paying, I got kicked out.

Right now I'm staying in a shit apartment in New Jersey with two roommates, Dane and Daniel. Dane is hardly ever home, but when he is, he's a little difficult to get along with. Daniel... Daniel is hard to explain. Daniel's a nice person... I'm just still trying to get used to the fact that sometimes, he prefers to be Danielle. No, I don't have any idea how I ended up in this situation.

I've gone through six jobs since leaving care. Yes, six. I'm not meant to work in malls. At the moment, I'm waiting to hear back from the bookstore I applied to. I'm... not actually sure I want that job. We'll see what happens.

So, is anyone else still in the area? Or did everyone try to get as far away as possible?

I was able to find one Charlie Chaplin icon, and two Marx Brothers icons, so hooray for me.

The spell check says that I spelled Chaplin wrong, but I know I didn't. I hate when they do that with names. Really, it's driving me nuts.